On November 6, 2016 I took my eleven month old, Jeremiah (A.K.A. Man Man) to the hospital. He had been wheezing for a couple of days. Normally, a few breathing treatments would get him back to normal. Unfortunately, that was not the case this time. When I got to the hospital, they gave him two very long breathing treatments and also had to do suction in his nose and mouth. To be quite honest, I really thought that after all that, we were going to go home and that was that. This is how it happened in the past. Little did I know things were not going to go as I planned. Let me say that last sentence again. LITTLE DID I KNOW, THINGS WERE NOT GOING TO GO AS PLANNED. That right there was already a problem! We can plan all we want but, ultimately, at the end of the day, it is God’s plan that will prevail. And sometimes our plans do not match up with His plans. So, when I was planning to go home with my child, I was looking at my plans and not the plans of our Maker.
Jeremiah’s oxygen level was supposed to be at ninety-five and one hundred percent. However, his oxygen level was at that time ranging between seventy and eighty percent. After the two very long treatments, his oxygen level did not change. It did not get any better or worse. It just remained the same. So after a while, the ER doctor came in and informed me that an ambulance had been called and my son will be transported to The Children’s Hospital in Atlanta.
After hearing this news, my heart immediately stopped and my brain began running! I called my husband to inform him of the news and told him to bring me some things for an over night stay. Again, I was planning to only have to stay one night and then go home. Once again, my plans differed from God.
Anyway, as soon as my husband got to the hospital, I needed to get some air as I felt like I was going to pass out! My nerves were completely shot at this point. If I did not walk out and get air when I did, the hospital would be putting me in a bed as well. That was not an option for me as I needed to be there for my youngest boy.
As I am walking to the car to get a few things, my mind starts racing. I start thinking to myself “What did I do to case this?” “What can I do to fix this?” “I can not believe this is happening!”
This whole mindset was me, me, me and I, I, I. At that point, I was not only thinking on a self centered level but I was also damning myself! As a parent, it is very hard not to take blame for things that happen or don’t happen to or for our children, right? I mean, I am pretty sure I am not alone with this. If I am the only person on this earth that worries like this then so be it I suppose.
Well I come back in and look at the same woman that registered us to let me back in. Guys! She looked at me dead in my face and said “NO.” Initially, I was ready to jump over the counter and tell her about herself! But, the Holy Spirit put His hand over my mouth. So with a crazy look on my face, I said “excuse me?!” This lady motioned me with her hands to come to her. I was completely beside myself and thought ” I don’t have time for this!” So I went to her. As soon as I got to this lady, she wrapped her arms around me and gave me the biggest and best hug I think I have ever experienced! In that hug I felt God and heard Him say “Lean on Me for I am your strength.” Believe me when I tell you I heard the voice of God! Clear. As. Day. While feeling and hearing this, it took all of my energy to stop my knees from buckling and began to cry on this woman’s shoulder.
You see, during this time, I was trying to figure out how I could fix this situation. In doing so, I was trying to find strength within myself and not God. I also failed to remember that while I was shocked, God was not. He knew that this day was coming. It was set in His spiritual calendar. Jeremiah 5:1 in the Amplified bible says the following:
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you[and approved of you as My chosen instrument] And before you were born I consecrated you[to Myself as my own] I have appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
With that verse alone, I have to believe that both my son and I were exactly where we needed to be because out of this was going to come a beautiful story.
I was so wrapped up in finding strength within myself that I lost sight of the big picture. I lost sight of the fact that God is in control of everything.
So I’m writing this telling you flat out in all honesty, I FELL SHORT! I attempted to rely on my own strength and understanding rather than the strength of God Himself. The beautiful part is, God still loved me and chose this stranger in the emergency room to remind me “Hey! Remember who runs this honey! Lean on Me! I got your back!”
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in the final outcome.